Sexy…some of us struggle with it.  We put our toes in the water and flirt with one extreme, then retreat back into what’s familiar and comfortable. What I know for sure: cute is not sexy, but neither is slutty (at least not in public). What looks attractive on someone who is 30, has a tendency to look ridiculous on a 60-year-old. (fashion designer, Betsey Johnson, left)  The British have an expression that I’ve always loved, used to describe a woman who dresses too young for her age , “Mutton…dressed as lamb.”

I recently read a story where the author spoke of walking behind a woman in a short, floaty miniskirt. Shapely legs,sky-high heels, nice jacket and pretty hair, but when the woman turned around, she could barely hide her surprise at the woman’s age and how inappropriate the whole outfit suddenly seemed in contrast to her lined, and overly-made-up, face!  Her suggestions to be age-appropriate and still very sexy: a slightly lower heel.  Sheer, dark hosiery.  A pencil-skirt.  A more neutral make-up with a striking lip color.   Okay, I can do that!

But…I don’t think this is a “fake it until you make it” scenario. If you aren’t in touch with your “inner goddess,”  you can’t really project it. You’ll be uncomfortable in your clothes, and feel exposed, awkward. I had a dress I used to love, but never wore. I so wanted to be the type of woman who would wear this dress. I finally did wear it out one night, and felt uncomfortable with how tight it was, and how it called so much attention to myself. A lot of it, unwanted male attention! I put it back on it’s hangar and eventually stuffed it in a Goodwill bag.

I did an informal poll among my male friends about what they found sexy about women.  Their opinion: sexy is NOT the clothes, it’s the woman wearing the clothes. It comes from inside the woman, and is projected out. A woman is either sexy, or she’s not.  

Some women seem born with an innate knowledge of how to present themselves in a way that expresses their confidence in their sexiness!  Others, myself included, finally get  in touch with our authentic sexiness as we become older and more confident…and want to learn to express it.  What does ‘sexy’ look like?  We all know it when we see it: In Sophia Loren. In Tina Turner. In Susan Sarandon. In Raquel Welch. In Judy Dench. In Angelica Huston.  In Helen Mirren (right). She’s always chic, daring, and stylish!

Ever since I was young, I have watched old movies and admired the movie stars of the 1940’s through the 1960’s. I believe that Liz, Gina, Sophia, and Catherine (Deneuve, not Hepburn)  all had  looks that embraced their sexuality, were elegant AND chic, and have withstood the test of time!  On them, ‘sexy’ had a simplicity that was balanced with a bit of an edge. Their stunning style was something women dreamed of, almost unobtainable. They were modern goddesses! I think these fashions defined ‘sexy’ from that point forward, and are a great reference for today’s women in their 50’s, 60’s and up.

I chose this photo of Sophia Loren for it’s outright sexiness!   That red dress is perfectly appropriate on any woman of any age, and still stylish. Yes, it absolutely “struts your stuff,” but why not?  Do you think you’re not ready to go that far yet?  Know that it might be a little hit-or-miss as you become more aware and begin to refine YOUR style.  As you awaken to your ‘inner goddess.” As you take charge of your life, stop holding yourself back, and take affirmative action.

• You lose the 5-10 pounds you’ve been complaining about forever.
• You’ve been meaning to walk every-other-day. You’re out the door, faithfully.
• You get your hair-color touched up sooner, so you need never feel bad and always look great when you look in the mirror.
• You get rid of any “granny-panties” and practical bras, and buy beautiful underwear so you look and feel great from the inside–out.
• Treat yourself to some sexy lingerie for date-night or special events.
• Rest when you’re tired. When we put ourselves first, loving and caring for ourselves, we start to blossom. No, it’s not selfish!  Take care of yourself first…so you can take care of others.

Rest assured, sexy knows no type, no hair-style, no skin-color, no nationality. It’s ageless! It’s fearless! It’s vibrantly alive!

Go for it. Stretch yourself. And never, ever, ever, ever give up!

XO Donna O’Klock

A few thoughts on looking good when you feel awful.

When my sisters and I were young and had a flu, sore throat, measles or chickenpox (remember?), after a few days of nursing us (which really meant waiting on us hand-and-foot while still running a large household) my Mom would come into my room with a can of Lysol, a stack of fresh sheets and a clean pair of pajamas.

“Okay, up you go, to the shower. Wash your hair, put on these PJs, and you’ll feel better when you’re done!”  As I dragged myself out of bed and down the hall, I’d hear my bedroom windows being opened, no matter the outside temperature. Then the snap and rustle of sheets being changed and the persistent hiss of the can of Lysol as it sought out each-and-every germ.

She was right, I did feel better when I was finished and had climbed back into bed on my clean sheets!  In my Mom’s book, there wasn’t much that couldn’t be fixed with a shower, some Vick’s, and bowl of fresh chicken soup!

“Where am I going with this?” you ask. I’ve noticed that as we get older we no longer catch everything that’s going around anymore, but we do have times when we catch a ‘bug’ or have to deal with big health issues: surgeries, injuries, chronic illnesses and, at worst, cancer. And generally now, we are responsible for taking care of ourselves.  

I recently learned, all over again, the wisdom of my Mom’s prescription. I had been sick for a while, just couldn’t get myself feeling well, no matter what I did. As this dragged on, I began feeling sorry for myself as I went from the bed to the sofa, and back again, wearing the same crappy, old yoga pants and a baggy  t-shirt that belonged to my sweetheart. I could barely make myself shower,  I told myself I didn’t have the energy.  And each time I passed the bathroom mirror and saw my reflection, I inwardly felt a little sicker, and fretted, and scared myself with my fretting.   Finally, I heard my Mom’s voice saying, “You’ll feel better if…”  What did I have to lose?

I dug around in my dresser for a pretty, orange silk nightgown that I bought years ago for a vacation. Finding it, I dragged my ass into the shower and sitting on the floor of the shower, I bathed, shaved and washed my hair. I worried I wouldn’t have the energy to get back up…but the the prospect of running out of hot water was a great catalyst for doing so!  When finished, I slipped on the nightgown, combed my hair, and found a tube of Burt’s Bees lip gloss for my chapped lips. I’m not saying a miracle occurred, but I finally did feel better.  The image looking back at me in the mirror seemed hopeful. It was as if  the act of cleaning up was an affirmation of my intention to feel well again!

Over the next few days, I purged my drawer of the baggy, well-worn, poor-poor-pitiful-me clothes that were stashed there. I got online and ordered two pair of beautiful, well-cut pajamas worthy of a movie star! You ought to see what is out there…so many chic choices!  By the time they arrived, I was feeling much better, so they were folded and placed in my newly empty drawer.

There was more wisdom than I realized, when I was young, in my Mom’s prescription! 

Treat yourself, don’t wait, do it now! Stock up on some delicious Pacific Natural Organic soups and broths. Clean out your drawers and rid yourself of any “this old rag” lounge-wear.  Order yourself some beautiful pajamas or nightgowns…they’ll all be ready to cheer you up, help you feel better, and announce your intention to recover the next time you’re sick or feeling down. 

Remember… intention is very sexy!

To your good health,

XO Donna

There’s a saying; “write what you know.”  This is where I will start…with hair. I have spent almost 30 years working as a stylist and colorist.

I’m going to assume that since you are here,  you are at least sneaking up on 60.  Hair length has generally become as much of an issue at this point in our lives as hair color, based on how many questions I receive, and how often I see it brought up in magazines. ..”now that I’m older, do I NEED to cut my hair?”  My response is usually a ‘no, but.’

No, but…you must find a hairstyle that flatters your hair texture, your face shape and your lifestyle.  While there’s no need to cut it all off, a pixie can be just as sexy as shoulder-length hair on the right woman!  On the other hand, having your hair long, just for sake of it, and wearing it in a clippy (ugh!) or a ponytail everyday is not sexy! 

As a stylist, I see beautiful, shiny, dimensional color walking out the door every day on women our age!  That’s not necessarily the way it looked when the client walked in….sometimes new clients come in looking more like ‘what the cat dragged in,’ but they always look fabulous as they walk out!

A well-trained stylist, great products, proper education, and an investment in yourself with time, effort and some money can have you looking the best you’ve ever looked!  Can you achieve these same results at home, with a box of color from the drugstore shelf?  No, you can’t, sorry. (see, ‘what the cat dragged in’ above.)  But, if you absolutely MUST color your hair at home, only touch up your roots, and occasionaly run the color through the ends to refresh them!  Yes, it’s difficult. No,  foams aren’t good for this.  And, yes, you must use a good sulfate-free shampoo to preserve your color-treated hair.

This is where sexy begins…with a gorgeous head of well-cared for, lustrous hair that is your perfect shade, in the best cut and style for you. Yes, all of those conditions are necessary to look sexy, and you know it!  Brassy-blond, dried out, frizzy, way too long (witchy), too blonde (stripper) or too dark (grackle black) hair is aging.  That’s worth repeating. It’s all aging!

If you have grandchildren, look at their hair. If not, go sit at a playground and look at the children’s hair. (Don’t do this too long, or too often!). You will notice shine, luster, subtle dimension. These things tend to diminish with age and life changes like hormone loss, illness and medications, incorrect shampoo and conditioners, thermal damage and lack of styling know-how. All of this can make your hair look less-than-sexy. The great news is, all of this can be reversed with the aforementioned effort, some time, and a good relationship with a great stylist. Spend the money on your hair, you’re worth it!

Which begs the next question; what if I choose to go grey?  There’s only one acid-test that I know of…stand in front of your mirror. First thought…do you think you look sexy, and love what you see?  Or, do you think you look old?  You’re the only one you need to thrill. Honestly!  Think you are ready to rock grey hair? Go for it! 

  Since we can’t all have grey hair like the fashion model Kristen McMenamy (left), I have some caveats for grey hair to keep you looking sexy:

•   It must be shiny and healthy.
•   You must have a great hairstyle!
•   Your make-up and wardrobe should be current and in clear, strong colors. 
•   Wearing pastels with grey hair is boring, washed-out looking. 
•   Straggly grey hair looks like an old hippie (we’re going for Boho Chic, it’s different!)        
•  And no make-up, or the wrong make-up with grey hair makes one look out-of-touch, dated.

Put these last three together, and it practically screams, “I gave up!” 

If you’ve done that, send me a note and we will meet for tea and inspiration.  Don’t ever, ever, ever, ever give up!

Here’s looking at you,

XO Donna